Biggest Best Life

What God Taught Me About Love and Letting Go: a conversation with Sidni Raphael from Shifted Sight

• Lauren Chapnick • Season 1 • Episode 14

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In this powerful and faith-filled episode of Biggest Best Life, Lauren sits down with Sidni Raphael aka "Coach Sid", a marriage and relationship coach whose story of redemption will take your breath away.

Sid opens up about the prayer that changed everything — when she told God exactly what she needed her future husband to say so she’d know he was “the one.” Years later, in the first five minutes of meeting Mark, he said those very words.

But their love story wasn’t without heartbreak. Sid shares the painful unraveling of their marriage, the moment she discovered her husband’s betrayal, and how God led them both through healing, humility, and reconciliation.

Through honesty, prayer, and deep personal growth, Sid and Mark rebuilt not just their relationship — but a stronger, holier marriage than ever before. Now, through their coaching business, Shifted Sight, they help other couples do the same.

If you’ve ever questioned whether restoration is possible, this episode is your reminder: Nothing is too broken for God to rebuild.

In This Episode, We Talk About:

  • The prayer that revealed her husband years before they met
  • Growing up in faith and how it shaped her view of marriage
  • What happens when two people experience the same marriage completely differently
  • The moment she discovered betrayal — and the surprising freedom it brought
  • Why separation became the turning point for healing
  • The powerful way God told her to pray for her husband (even when she didn’t want to)
  • How their marriage became stronger after infidelity
  • The birth of their coaching business, Shifted Sight, and their mission to help couples heal

Sidni's Links:

Website: https://www.shiftedsight.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shiftedsight/

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Sidni Rafael:

And so I said, God, I need him to say, and then I said three things. I need him to say this, I need him to say this, and I need him to say this. And that way I will know that he is my husband. And we sat down, and within the first five minutes, Mark said the first thing that I told God three years prior.

Announcer:

Welcome to Biggest Best Life, the podcast that dares you to dream big, look louder, and step fully into the rock star life you are made for. You're not too late. You're right on time. And we're just getting started. Here's your host, Lauren Chapman.

Lauren Chapnick:

Hey there, welcome on back. You are listening to Biggest Best Life. I'm your host, Lauren Chapnick. If this is your first time listening, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. Six eighty six four. Six three. That is the best way to stay in touch with me. I would like to introduce to you our guest today, Coach Sid. Hi, Cidy. Thank you so much for coming, for joining me today, joining us on Biggest Best Life. It is a pleasure. So let's talk about your childhood a little bit. Tell me, um, was faith something that you grew up with?

Sidni Rafael:

Was that something that was always part of your life? Yes, I did grow up in church. So my grandfather was a pastor, um, and actually a bishop, which is uh technically different, I guess. Um, but yeah, very well known in the local community. Like he literally has a street named after him in our hometown. Where did you grow up? In Riverside, California. Okay. Yes. So he does have a street named after him there. He passed away uh in 2010. So yeah, so I definitely grew up in church. My mom was a minister. I have always been in ministry, singing, dancing, kind of anywhere I'm needed. So yeah, I I am very well versed in church.

Lauren Chapnick:

Okay. So what were your thoughts if you had any? What did you think about marriage as a kid? Was it something that you saw for yourself, or what did you think about it?

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, as a kid, like a smaller kid, I didn't really think about it. I mean, my parents were they've been married now for 37 years. Um, so and my my grandparents had been married for like 40 something. So I grew up around marriage and seeing it. Um as I got older, I did like decide that I wanted to get married later, which to me later was like 27. Okay. So I had that in my mind, but 27 was the number for me. It was like I can go to college, I can get started in my career, and then I'll get married. And then I started liking boys, like in a real way, and I was like, I want to get married now. I don't know why. Um, but like 16, I was like, I want to be married, and like that's what I want to do. Um, and I don't know when that changed or why that changed, but that's kind of what I wanted. I what did you think it was gonna be like? It so my parents and mainly my mom very much prepared us for marriage, which I think is is unique because I don't think a lot of parents do that.

Lauren Chapnick:

No, how did she do that?

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, she would always tell us that marriage is labor and sacrifice. Wow, like those were two moms, right? Those are the two words that she always used, and so I had in my mind, and this plays into the way that me and my husband kind of moved through marriage too. I always had in my mind that marriage was a lot of work, like that's that's what I had in my mind, and so I saw like the fairy tale things, and it was like, oh, that's cool too. But for me, like marriage was gonna be work, marriage was gonna be hard because that's what my mom always kind of instilled in us. Wow, so yeah, that was really my my expectation of marriage.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yeah, you knew you knew going in. Okay, so let's skip ahead a few years. How did you meet your husband, Mark?

Sidni Rafael:

I met him at a church, it was actually his church, his dad was the assistant pastor, I believe, at the time, and I was there for a sound check, and he too was there for a sound check for he was singing for a different reason. I think they were it was his dad's birthday the next day, and so they were singing for him, and I was singing with my group at the time, and he actually was done with his sound check, like he wasn't supposed to be there anymore. Um, and then we went on the stage, and I guess he came out because he saw me. He came out and sit and sat on the stage, and the leader of our group kind of just like he told us his name, but it was very much in passing, so he wasn't really on my radar at all. I didn't even remember him when he when he reached out to me, but that's the first the very first time that we met, and then he reached out to me, I want to say the next day on Facebook. Okay, and he was like, Hey, this is Mark. We met and I had to reach out to the leader of the group, and like I was like, Who is Mark? Who's Mark? Who which one was that? Because we did we got introduced to so many people that night, and so I was like, which one was that? And um, he told me, and I was like, Oh, okay, and I still didn't remember him. Okay, but I still I I messaged him back, and so we we kind of started our friendship that way, so okay, and what was your first date? It was so I didn't believe in dating. I still don't actually. The the idea of okay, so I am the kind of person who likes to get to know someone organically, like we are kind of just living life together in some sort of way. We get the chance to experience one another doing other things, and then we can entertain like, do we like each other? And I feel like dating is reverse. Well, we're kind of like I'm entertaining a relationship with you, but I don't know you, yeah. So I've never I've never liked that, I've never understood dating, so that's kind of where I was, and he was very much interested, and I knew that, but I was like, Yeah, I don't really do that. So I was like, I would love to get to know you as a friend and to build a friendship with you. And he did say okay, and we kind of moved on that way, but then one night I had plans that got canceled, and I was like, I really don't want to be in the house, I don't I don't want to be here, so I reached out to Mark. I was like, Let me see if he's free, and maybe he wants to go grab a drink or something. Yeah, and so I did, and of course, he was he was so it was kind of like an unintentional date, but that first date we went to I think uh Tilted Kilt, maybe just a random place just for us to go grab drinks. We went there, and that was the night that I knew that he was gonna be my husband. Really? Yeah, what was it about him? So it wasn't necessarily him. So about I'm gonna say three years prior, I had a conversation with with God because I had been in like a situationship, which I don't know if you know what a situationship is, but it's like we're not ever official, but we're kind of dating, but no one's actually saying that we're dating, but we're living like we're dating. Okay, anyway, yes, I had been in one of those for quite a while, and the last time it was like an on and off, which I don't know how you're on and off in something that's not official, but yeah. It happens, right? So it was like the third time that we were off, and I was like, Okay, God, if you don't tell me, like when my husband is here, because obviously it's not this man who who's in this situation with me. If you don't tell me, I will wait for this man forever because I'm just not seeing clearly. And so I said, God, I need him to say, and then I said three things I need him to say this, I need him to say this, and I need him to say this, and that way I will know that he is my husband. And we sat down, and within the first five minutes, Mark said the first thing that I told God three years prior.

Lauren Chapnick:

Do you mind sharing what those three things are?

Sidni Rafael:

So I've shared two, I've kept the third one. That's fine. Um, so the first one was I said, God, I need him to say woa. And so we sat down, which no one has had ever said to me before. We sat down, and within the first five minutes, Mark says, When I first saw you, I said woe. And I was like, Okay. It was kind of like because I had I didn't expect that at all. Like I had forgotten that I even had that conversation with God, and then he said that and it and it reminded me, and I was like, Oh, okay, wow. So we kind of kept on in conversation, but I had that in my mind, like I don't even I don't even remember the rest of the conversation that we had because he had said that. Um, the second thing, what was the second thing? The second thing was that I wanted him to know that I was his wife when he first saw me, and so that didn't come out until a little bit later, but that was exactly what he said happened. He said he saw me and he went home and told his brother that night that we met at the church that he met his wife.

Lauren Chapnick:

I love that. So he knew when he first saw you, and you knew when God answered those three things for you. That's beautiful. Yeah. So how did he ask you to marry him?

Sidni Rafael:

He oh so that one he I don't know that he actually really did. So we did we had this kind of whirlwind relationship because I knew that he was going to be my husband. We kind of just let everything go. It was like, well, I'm you're it, right? I'm gonna get married to you. You both knew. And yeah, we both knew, and so there was not like this well, we have to be kind of tiptoeing in. There wasn't that stopping because there was already what was known. So we had this whirlwind thing. I did get pregnant in about four months, not four months into we got married four months into our relationship, but I got pregnant, I want to say maybe a month into our actual official relationship. We had been dating for a little bit, but into our official relationship, I got pregnant. And so because we already knew that we were getting married, it was just like, well, we might as well just do it.

Lauren Chapnick:

And that was it, let's just do it. Yeah, okay. So, what were the early days of your marriage like?

Sidni Rafael:

Early days of marriage, so that first year, I want to say, was pretty good. It was pretty solid, at least for me. I didn't realize until after that it was not great for him. But for me, it was good. Um, we were pregnant, and so there was the you know, the kind of sweetness of that and bringing a child into the world and becoming parents. So there was, I want to say, almost a bit of a distraction for me, and that really impacted the way that we lived through marriage because we had that distraction, and again, we that was a month into us dating, so we kind of had that distraction basically the entire time, right? So it was great, it was great. We got along very well, it was like a it was a newness to us.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yeah, it was like a new relationship. Yeah, uh, so at what point did things start to shift and at what point did you start to go from so connected to feeling a disconnect?

Sidni Rafael:

It was for me, it was at one year. Okay. We made it to a year, and again for him, now we grew up, I grew up in a high conflict household. And so for me, arguments and yelling and stuff like that was very much normalized. Okay. So to me, that was a normal thing. Anytime we have an argument, I bounce back like that, and we're moving on, like we're this is a normal thing, let's move on with our day. For him, we would have an argument which I didn't even consider arguments, honestly. Um, but he considered them us fighting, and I was like, What's what's the problem? And it would take him a really long time, and I did notice that early on, but for me, I think I tried to get him to not be that way, as opposed to saying, Okay, let me try not to to handle you this way, right? So that's why he struggled pretty badly from early on because of the way that I would I would talk to him, the way that we discuss things, um, and for that not registering to me, it just wasn't a problem. So at about a year in, we went on our anniversary trip and we had a good time until like the last day, and it was the last day of that trip where we had an argument that I was like, Oh, this is like a real argument, finally, like for me. But all of this time, I could tell that he had so much built up from all of the arguments we had throughout the year that it finally hit me like, Oh, you really think that we have been arguing, like we've seen this completely differently, and it was just the way that he talked to me that night, it was like we were enemies, like I wasn't on his team.

Lauren Chapnick:

It was almost like you had two different experiences, yeah.

Sidni Rafael:

Completely, two completely different and you didn't know, right?

Lauren Chapnick:

And did he know that you thought everything was fine or or great?

Sidni Rafael:

He did, I don't know that he knew at the time, but he did later because we didn't really again. I didn't feel the need to even explain myself because again, everything was normal to me. Yeah, and he was not the kind of person, and he it took him a really long time to be this person who was going to bring an issue up.

Lauren Chapnick:

That was my question. Did he ever say anything? No, so he tried not.

Sidni Rafael:

He would say, like, I don't want to to fight, I don't want to argue. And the only reason that I caught on was because of how long it took him to bounce back. But for me, because I was looking at it the way that I was looking at it, it was almost like to me that was a weakness of his, as opposed to me not being able to see, like, hey, he's not used to this, like this is not normal to him. Yes. So I looked at that as a weakness, which I didn't realize how much that impacted him at the time.

Lauren Chapnick:

Right, it was almost like you were judging him versus I guess meeting him with curiosity. Like, why does he think that way? Yes. Okay, so tell me about the moment that everything just came crashing down. What happened?

Sidni Rafael:

So it was not really a moment that everything came crashing down, it was really like a downward spiral for a really long time. Okay, like a few years of downward spiral. So I say we were okay, and again, that was just to me for the first year. After that, um, there I began to notice like his energy kind of shifted, and so it was very much like the whole enemies thing that happened that night was kind of carried throughout honestly the rest of our time our years. And I didn't know what to do about that, like I had no idea how to handle that because I didn't see the problem yet. Like I saw that he had a problem, but I didn't understand why. So for me, it was just like, I feel like you're choosing to be against me, and I don't know why. I don't understand what's going on. So things had happened, and then we had already had our son, and I was dealing with postpartum PTSD, and um then even into that, I had just started therapy for that and figured out that I was pregnant again, and so we have all of this happening. So that was kind of like the really big start of the downward spiral. Okay, and it just continued to go down further and further and further. I think about two years in is when I feel like I finally came to. I had been so focused now because I knew he was struggling in marriage, I had been so focused on just trying to help him not be miserable that I didn't realize that I too was miserable. Yes, so my focus shifted to that, and I was like, what am I gonna do? Because I was thinking about forever, and I was thinking, like, I can't stay in this like this forever, so what do I do? And I had no idea, no idea what to do. And so we went through a lot. Um, we went through a lot before everything actually like really blew up.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yes, but so let's talk about that because you did eventually separate for a time. What what happened?

Sidni Rafael:

All this is still kind of happening, and I am witnessing and feeling the downfall. I'm witnessing everything kind of crumble for over this long period of time, and so when it finally comes to I tell this story all the time, and I we were sleeping, and he was like on my lap, he was knocked out, and the Holy Spirit said, Pick up his phone, and I was like, Nope. I've never been the kind of person to look through a phone ever. And I heard it again, he was like, Pick up his phone, and I just knew that what I was gonna find. I knew it. You knew before you even look. I don't want to look, yeah. So I picked it up and I went through it, and I think I mean there were just threads upon threads of different women that he was talking to, and pictures, inappropriate messages, and it just everything came crumbling at that moment. It was like the final crumble.

Lauren Chapnick:

Did you confront him right away? Oh yeah, yeah.

Sidni Rafael:

I woke him up. Okay, I woke him up, and I was like, I think I said like, tell me what, tell me what you did. And he saw the phone in my hand, so he knew he knew that I had seen something. And he did initially try to not say it, so he was like, I I said some really bad things, and I was like, I know what you said, tell me what you did. And it took him, I mean, hours to be able to tell me because he was just like, I don't want to say it. So he would just sit there silently for a really long time, and I would just be staring at him.

Lauren Chapnick:

What what was that like for you?

Sidni Rafael:

It was it was really bad. Um, it was a devastating moment, but also weirdly, in that moment, I was like, there was like a sense of freedom. Because we had struggled for now years at this point, it was like, okay, you're free, like you can leave. So that's really kind of the underlying feeling that I felt. There was, of course, anger and hurt and all of these things because I felt like I had been putting all this work into this marriage. All of the things that he struggled with, I really tried to change because I did finally come to the realization, like, oh, you can't keep doing this, like it's okay, right? Just because you grew up this way does not mean that he's okay with it. So I put in a lot of work to change those things, and I was showing up in a different way, and so I think really a lot of the hurt was that like I was just trying so hard to get him to be okay, and in that moment, it was like this is not, it really has nothing to do with me.

Lauren Chapnick:

Wow. I mean, you had given so much of yourself, and that moment for you it was like the steam just finally was able to release. So it was your decision clearly to to separate, to leave.

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah.

Lauren Chapnick:

Tell me about the time of separation.

Sidni Rafael:

It was very, very difficult. There were so many feelings, but that was the moment that we were able to actually talk. It was like all of our um all of our ammo was gone almost in a way, and we were able to really.

Lauren Chapnick:

But there were no secrets anymore.

Sidni Rafael:

There were no, right, there were no secrets, and we were able to be more vulnerable, and he was able to talk to me about like what he had been feeling all of these years, and I was able to see, like, oh, yeah, I was really mean. Like, even at this point, I had not seen that anything was wrong for me. It was just like, well, we had differences, and I wanted to address those differences, but then I looked back and I was like, I wasn't not treating you very well at all that first year, so I was able to acknowledge that and take some accountability, and so we had some really good moments of communication and vulnerability with one another, but it was still, of course, like this thing has happened, so yeah.

Lauren Chapnick:

So, when you left, in your mind, were you heading towards divorce? Was it over in your mind?

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, initially, I really tried not to make any decisions because I just wanted to give room for processing, and because I knew how how tough it was for us, it was like, okay, maybe we could give it a chance now, like maybe it would have a real chance because it feels like it never really had a chance. I don't know still to this day what happened to make us okay with being back together, and that's why we say, like, this was this was very much a God thing in that we didn't have a conversation about coming back together, we just had a conversation about how it was going to go when we came back together. It was just like God was like, Hey, it's time.

Lauren Chapnick:

Wow. I mean, you said I've I've read that you said that God spoke to you and told you to pray for him.

Sidni Rafael:

Oh, yeah. And that was throughout the whole separation, which was really annoying. I don't I don't want to pray for him, but that was throughout the whole separation, and I could see that guilt and shame were really like eating him up, and so that's what I saw, and I didn't want that. And anybody who is married who has become one with person would not want that, right? There is still love there that does not go away because they've done something wrong, they've done something to hurt you, it doesn't just go away. So I didn't want that for him because I knew if he allowed that, then he was going to go down a really dark path, which he did end up doing. But I was like, hey, you can come to church, you can still come to church. These people are safe, they have us covered regardless of what's happening. It's not just me that they have covered, it's also you. And so he didn't believe me because he grew up in a church that was more judgmental, and he knew that people knew at the church, so he was like, I'm not, I'm no, I'll never go to that church again. You felt a deep sense of shame. Yes. So I was like, No, please come to church. You are okay. Every no one cares. Like, I mean, they do care that about what we're going through, but no one is judging you. They have you covered, and so he did finally come to church, which the sermon that day was just perfect. It was spot on. Oh, yeah? Yes, it was spot on. It was about being caught and how God's grace is in that. Like, you getting caught is not a bad thing, it is the the opportunity for you to turn around and to surrender. So um, I thought that was that was really awesome.

Lauren Chapnick:

So you never had an actual moment or conversation about getting back together. You said it was just something that you felt, and then what were the conversations like to rebuild and go forward?

Sidni Rafael:

We didn't have a conversation about hey, do you wanna do this? Like, are we doing this? It was hey, when we do this, it has to be this way. When we do this, it has to be that way. We can't do this, we can't do that. All these things that we did before, they won't work moving forward. So there was no questioning if we were getting back together. It was like God had already told us individually that we were coming back together.

Lauren Chapnick:

And what is your marriage like today? It's so good.

Sidni Rafael:

It is honestly, I the reason that our marriage I think is so strong is because I going through this, it really does humble you. So, with all the hurt and the pain, you do have to deal with that, but as you heal from it, you really look at the parts of yourself that just did not work in marriage, and I think that's a a really challenging thing to do because they're not bad parts, right? They just didn't work in the marriage. Yeah, so all these things that I had, like they're they're good. Like, I have strengths that they're bad too, and flaws as well. But the things that needed to change were not bad, but they did need to change for the marriage, and so just that sacrifice and that surrendering really changed me as a human, and it changed him as well. He went through his own transformation that was completely apart from me, and it wasn't for me, and I think that was also very much necessary for it to not have anything to do with me. So God was dealing with him on his own, and so when we came back together, it was very challenging to try to fit those pieces back together, but when we figured it out, it was just like it was better than I could have ever imagined. Better than I could have ever imagined. I mean, the support, the partnership, the love, and the romance that's still there too is just in. I think also the gratefulness that we have for one another and for the restoration of our marriage is really at the core of everything that we do. So there's no we don't take advantage of this in any way. And I think because that is so forefront that it really illuminates, like it's through everything that we do.

Lauren Chapnick:

What um, what are some practices that you do together to stay connected and to stay accountable? What are some things that you do that you didn't do before? Yeah, well, if we didn't do anything, or some habits that you do. We did nothing before. Nothing.

Sidni Rafael:

But yeah, we do we date a lot. Um we do and not just date like just by ourselves, we also date with like go on group dates a lot. So we have a community now of married people and some non-married people, but we have a community which we didn't have before who really like pray for us, they have our back, who share things with us and we can share with them, and they are trusted and they are safe. We did not have that before. That has been life-changing for us as individuals and as a couple. So we have our community, so we we go on our dates, we um we do our check-ins, which we have like we give to our clients now as well. So we don't do that do it as often now because we do talk all the time. We talk all day, um, which before we didn't, and um yeah, and I think doing working with clients too also keeps us really close because every time we get in a session, if we're not on like the best of terms, once we get in the session and we focus on someone else's problems, it helps you. Yeah, like we're like, yeah, we're good, we're cool. So, yeah, it's we do a lot of stuff together, which we didn't before, so that's really good, which also was a a little bit of a challenge because he likes his alone time. I'm not a really I don't care about alone time so much. I like it, but I'm not seeking it. Okay, so even that was a challenge, but we have really transitioned very well.

Lauren Chapnick:

Good. Good. Um, so when did you go from wanting to rebuild your marriage to helping to wanting to help other people rebuild theirs? And how was Shifted Sight, your coaching business, born?

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, so I'd want to say about two months into our marriage, God showed me that we were going to be helping couples, and I didn't know what that meant at the time because I was like, God, we've only been married for a couple months, no one's gonna listen to us. Right married couples, and I told Mark that, and he was like, Okay, and it was just kind of like brush off, and then we just kind of moved on, I didn't even think about it again until we went through this and we reconciled, and I was like, I feel God pulling us towards something, and I know that we're gonna be doing something together, I know that we're going to be helping and sharing our story. I just don't know how yet. And I had gotten my I had been a coach for I want to say a couple of years at this point. I had been a coach, but even Even in that, I I wasn't feeling super called yet. It was like I did it early. So I I was, I knew that I was going to be doing it, but I had done it and I still wasn't like, okay, I'm sh I should be doing this now until I was getting Mark ready because this is what this is how the Lord talks to me. Very early. Like He shows me visions of things years in advance. That's just how He's always operated with me. And so for this, I was like, okay, I can feel it. I know that it's coming. And so I was like, Mark, get ready. It's coming. It's coming. I don't know when, but I know it's gonna be soon. And there was one day, I don't know, I think it was like the turn of the top of the year of 24, I believe. And I was like, yeah, it's time.

Lauren Chapnick:

So now you and your husband coach other couples together. Is it always together? Do you do separate as well?

Sidni Rafael:

Couples we coach together. Okay. Yes, always. So we do individual sessions as well. Um, but when it's a marriage session, we always do it together. Yeah.

Lauren Chapnick:

What's that like working with him?

Sidni Rafael:

It's great. Yeah, it's fantastic. I seeing him grow as a coach, seeing all of the wisdom that he has, because before we get in, we didn't really talk that much. Like in the beginning of marriage, I didn't really know if he had anything to say, how he thought about certain things. So to see him in this light was just like, oh my gosh, you have something to talk about.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yeah.

Sidni Rafael:

That's really cool. Um, so seeing him get all this wisdom and being able to articulate it in a way that is relatable and digestible to people is just it's been such a blessing to see him grow in this area. And us doing it together is just like, I want to give him room because he has so much to say, right? He has so much wisdom now after being transformed in this way and kind of taking this route, the route that he took, which he knows now, and he is very expressive about it being the wrong route, and he has just such a way with people and being able to communicate that and um help them see that. So I want to give him the space, even though I feel like I was called to coaching even outside of this. I was like, This is this is kind of your space. Like I I love it.

Lauren Chapnick:

It's oh that's that's amazing. That's amazing. So, what would you say to somebody who's listening who feels hopeless in their marriage? What would you encourage them to do as the first step for feeling hopeless for any reason?

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, that's a really tough feeling. I mean, again, feeling hopeless for any reason is is really tough. It's a very challenging thing to get through. I think the first thing I would say to do is surrender. And it's surrendering, I think, what your initial version of marriage was in your head and in your heart. Because we all have something, some expectation, some vision of marriage that we want it to go like, and when it doesn't go that way, it's kind of it's devastating, it's almost like a grieving that has to happen because you really set this reality up, even though it's not yet your lived reality. And I think that you have to adapt to what is your lived reality. But in order to do that, you have to first surrender your version of marriage, your vision of marriage. I do believe that once restoration happens, you can kind of pick that back up, but initially surrendering that and saying, Okay, what is the reality? What part of this am I okay with and can I adapt to? And what part of this am I not okay with? And can I and I refuse to adapt to? So I think that's like the very first step, and not looking at forever, right? But just looking at okay, how can I get through this season? How can I get through these next few months?

Lauren Chapnick:

That's really good advice. What do you think is the biggest misconception that people have about restoring a marriage?

Sidni Rafael:

Oh, there's so many. Yeah. Gosh, being on social media, there's misconceptions everywhere. Yes. I think that uh the biggest misconception is that you will always think about it. It'll always be in the back of your mind. Um, I would say that that's probably the most widely held one that I've seen, and it does seem to be like a quite quite a firm belief that people have is that if you do say you're not you're never gonna be okay again, you're never going to be able to trust your partner, and that will always live in your mind. So, yeah, I would say that's that's the biggest misconception. Yeah, okay.

Lauren Chapnick:

How do you know when it's time to fight for your relationship and when it's time to walk away?

Sidni Rafael:

Oh, I love that question. A lot of it's decision, so it's hard to answer because we call like the standing standing for your marriage. That is when you are being shown that there's no healing happening. You're being shown that they're not ready to restore, but you're deciding to kind of wait. So there is that space that exists, and that's kind of like neither either one. Um, if you want to fight and you're not willing to wait to see if they change, then the indicator that it's time to leave is that they are not willing to put forth any effort, right? Whatever you're saying or asking for, or they're not willing to take accountability for the things that they've done, they're not even seeing that there's a problem to address, that would be an indicator that it's it's probably time to walk away. If you're not willing to just kind of stay and wait for them and see if they're gonna change. Yeah. And I'd say an indicator to say is first of all the desire, right? If you're wanting your family, and I know like kids play a really large part in that, and wanting the family to stay together, if that's your desire, and you see that your spouse is putting forth some kind of effort, right? They're taking accountability, they are trying to do the things, even if they're not doing it perfectly, or they don't know how to navigate it, that they are trying. And so that would be an indicator to me, I think, to to keep going, keep fighting. Thank you.

Lauren Chapnick:

Coach said, Where can people find you and how can people work with you?

Sidni Rafael:

Oh Instagram at Shifted Site, okay, and shiftedsight.com website. Yes. Hey, what do you know? Instagram, TikTok, shifted site on both of those, and shifted site.com is where you can go and book a session. And we have packages, individual sessions, we have so many different services to offer, so there is something for everybody.

Lauren Chapnick:

That's great, and I will put all of that information in the description of the show so people can find you. Perfect. Um, before we close out with just fun questions, is there anything else that you wanted to share that we didn't cover today?

Sidni Rafael:

Uh not necessarily. I will say the tip after um after surrendering, right? And I think the surrender is just kind of in everything. Like that is almost the name of the game is surrender. Then releasing the things that you've been holding on really tightly to.

Lauren Chapnick:

That can be really hard for people. Yeah, I think everybody.

Sidni Rafael:

Yeah, it's it's challenging. Yeah, it's challenging. But when you do, it just really opens up your world, it opens up your eyes, it opens up your heart for the things that can happen.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just for fun, if you could go back in time and talk to newlywed Sydney and give her one piece of advice. Oh my god. What would it be?

Sidni Rafael:

Newlywed Sydney, make room. Allow your husband to be in the marriage. That would be my piece of advice because there was no room for that man. I wanted, I knew exactly what this marriage was gonna be, and whatever I thought it was gonna be, that's what it was gonna be. He didn't have any room, whatever. I don't even know what his vision is. Still to this day, I don't even know what he expected from marriage because I was like, this is how it's supposed to be, and this is what we're gonna do. So, yeah, newlywed Sydney, please make room for your husband.

Lauren Chapnick:

Make room, love it. Two questions that I ask all my guests. Okay, whatever comes out. Complete this sentence.

Sidni Rafael:

Happiness is say, well, you said whatever comes out. I have so many thoughts. Okay, hmm. Okay. Happiness is an emotion, just like any other emotion. It comes and it goes, and I think we get ourselves into a little bit of trouble when we are chasing the emotion of happiness as opposed to letting it just kind of wash over us and go and come when it pleases, when it's time.

Lauren Chapnick:

I love that answer so much. Coach said, what do you think it means to live your biggest best life?

Sidni Rafael:

I think living your biggest best life means living in your purpose. And that is, I don't think your purpose you have just one purpose throughout life. I think that it changes in through seasons and to follow what you believe it is, right? Not just saying like this is my purpose now and assuming like I have to do this for the rest of my life because this is my purpose. No, you don't. Your purpose can change and shift throughout seasons, and following that I think is the like best way to live your biggest best life.

Lauren Chapnick:

Yes, yeah, couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for sitting and talking with me. You're so welcome. I'm so grateful that your marriage is where it is because you are helping, you're helping make the world a better place by showing future generations what healthy marriage is, and you're helping so many people. So thank you. Thank you, Coach Sid, you are just the greatest. Thank you so much for sitting down with me. You are such a bright light, and I felt like I was sitting down talking to a friend that I had known for years. If you would like to work with Coach Sidney and her husband, Coach Bear, you can find them at shiftedsite.com. Their Instagram is at shifted site. And all of that information is in the show notes. Remember, trust your gut. Get off your butt, make today awesome, and I will see you the next time. Bye-bye.

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